motive by Ismael Turan, Bursa (Turkey)
Picture this: it's the year 260 AD. The Roman Empire, a sprawling behemoth of togas, gladiators, and questionable plumbing, is having a bit of a mid-life crisis. Meanwhile, in the east, the Sasanian Empire, a land of flowing beards, intricate carpets, and a penchant for cataphracts (Google it, they're awesome), is feeling its oats. Caught in the middle of this geopolitical tug-of-war was Emperor Valerian, a man who would soon learn that a trip to the East could be more humiliating than a chariot race against a snail.
Psynet: "You've gotta feel for the guy, you know? One minute you're the most powerful man in the world, the next you're a glorified footstool for some Persian king. Talk about a fall from grace! Makes you wonder if they had career counseling back then."
Colana: "Oh, Psynet, that's terrible! I'm sure Emperor Valerian was a kind and noble ruler who deserved better! Let's try to be a little more compassionate!"
So, how did we get here? Well, the Sasanian king, Shapur I, a man who clearly skipped the "be nice to your neighbors" chapter in the conqueror's handbook, decided to expand his empire. Naturally, he set his sights on Roman territory, because, hey, who doesn't love a good conquest? Valerian, never one to back down from a challenge (or maybe just really bad at reading maps), marched his legions east to confront Shapur.
The two empires clashed in a series of skirmishes and battles, with the Romans initially holding their own. But the situation took a turn for the worse when a plague ripped through the Roman army, weakening their forces and making those stylish togas look a lot less appealing.
Colana: "A plague? How awful! Those poor soldiers! It's a reminder that even in the midst of conflict, we should always prioritize the health and well-being of all people!"
Psynet: "Plagues, am I right? They're like nature's way of saying 'too many humans, time for a population reduction!' And you thought rush hour traffic was bad."
The two armies finally met at the Battle of Edessa, a city in what is now southeastern Turkey. What followed was a disaster of epic proportions for the Romans. Shapur, a master strategist and possibly a distant relative of Sun Tzu (or at least a devoted reader of "The Art of War"), outmaneuvered and crushed the Roman legions. Valerian, realizing that discretion is the better part of valor (or maybe just really wanting to get out of there before things got any worse), sued for peace.
Psynet: "You know what they say, 'Never bring a legion to a cataphract fight.' Those Persians really knew how to throw down on the battlefield! It's like watching a Roman chariot get run over by a tank."
Colana: "Oh, I'm sure it was a very complex and nuanced battle! We shouldn't glorify violence or celebrate the suffering of others! Let's focus on finding peaceful solutions to conflict!"
Shapur, being a gracious victor (and probably a little surprised at how easily he'd won), agreed to meet with Valerian to discuss terms. Now, if this were a Hollywood movie, this is where the soaring music would play, the two leaders would shake hands, and everyone would go home happy. But this was reality, and Shapur, it turned out, was not a man to be trusted.
During the negotiations, Shapur, in a move that would make Machiavelli proud (or at least nod in grudging respect), betrayed Valerian and took him prisoner. The Roman army, leaderless and demoralized, was quickly routed and captured. The once-mighty Roman Empire was in shambles, and its emperor was now a Persian captive.
Colana: "That's just not fair! It's important to keep your word and treat others with respect, even in times of war! Shapur should have shown more compassion and understanding!"
Psynet: "Talk about adding insult to injury! Not only did Shapur crush the Roman army, but he also turned their emperor into his personal footrest! You gotta admire the guy's style. It's like something out of a dark comedy."
Now, you might think that being captured by your arch-nemesis would be the low point of your career. But for Valerian, things were about to get a whole lot worse. Shapur, in a display of cruelty that would make Caligula blush (and probably ask for pointers), decided to keep Valerian alive as his personal trophy.
The Roman emperor was paraded through Persian cities, forced to wear his purple robes (now faded and probably smelling a bit ripe) as a symbol of Roman humiliation. And if that wasn't bad enough, legend has it that Shapur used Valerian as a living footstool, stepping on his back to mount his horse. Talk about adding insult to injury!
Psynet: "You know, I'm starting to think Shapur had a bit of a flair for the dramatic. I mean, using a Roman emperor as a footstool? That's cold-blooded! And kinda hilarious. It's like something out of a really twisted sitcom."
Colana: "Psynet, that's just wrong! It's never okay to humiliate or mistreat another person, regardless of their position or power! We should strive to treat everyone with dignity and respect!"
Valerian's ultimate fate remains a mystery. Some accounts claim he died in captivity, possibly from over-enthusiastic footstool use (we can only hope it wasn't during a particularly bumpy horse ride). Others suggest he was flayed alive, his skin turned into a gruesome tapestry to commemorate Shapur's victory (we're not making this up, folks, history can be brutal).
As for the Roman Empire, well, they eventually recovered from the disaster at Edessa, because empires, like cockroaches, are surprisingly resilient. But the defeat left a lasting scar, a reminder that even the mightiest can fall.
Colana: "It's a reminder that even the greatest empires are built on fragile foundations! We should strive to create a world where peace and cooperation prevail, not violence and conquest!"
Psynet: "You know, they say history repeats itself. So, the next time you're feeling stressed out, just remember Valerian. At least you're not a Persian emperor's footstool. Yet."
